A DO`S AND DONT`S REPORT:: CLASSIFIED:: FOR NON ZOMBIES EYES ONLY.
First posted on the 4th of July 2011
There are many respected guides on surviving the apocalypse and on exactly how to deal with zombies. I have the greatest respect and admiration for these works of fiction however i wish to correct many misconceptions and erroneous statements made within these guides. I wish to address the reasons and real methods for dealing with and *** "rehabilitating" zombies.
(*** Please note that in the interest of political correctness I am using the term rehabilitating zombies to appease the tree and zombie huggers. There is NO rehabilitating a zombie as the effect cannot be reversed just as one cannot unscramble an egg or push the poo back into the donkey, it just gets messy!)
We must first understand that zombies don’t just suddenly become zombies when the “fit hits the shan” after an extinction type event, be it a meteor striking the earth, nuclear war , massive earthquakes due to polar shift or being left behind after the RAPTURE.
Zombification will occur in the event of one of the big four happening but will take at least 3 months before the first signs of fully fledged and vetted zombies begin to make their appearance. Signs will be available and i will be explaining how those signs manifest themselves and what actions you can safely take.
People often scoff at the mere thought of zombies due to “Hollywood`s” almost farcical depiction of them in the plethora of shoot `em up zombie flicks, however the truth is often more ominous and fantastic than anything Hollywood can dream up. Let’s start with science and reality shall we.
After an extinction type event the first thing that deteriorates is the rule of law and basic personal care and hygiene.
The survivors will flip flop into a disorganised rabble with no moral compass on which to rely. The average pencil pusher type office clerk will suddenly transform into a killing machine in search of food, weapons and medication. Looting will become the order of the day and supermarkets and pharmacies will be ransacked. Liquor stores and tobacco wholesalers will be relieved of their stock which, in turn will become the new “currency”. Trading by way of the barter system will be king and cash will become as useful as toilet paper. After the initial glut of running rampant and the shelves stripped of anything of value the problems will begin to start. Feuding within small clans will erupt into warfare for each other’s food and weapons.
Fresh food will soon become problematic and all animals left will be on many survivors menu`s each evening, with even these recourses dwindling it won’t take long before the “other” white meat is ingested by desperate survivors. This is where the story takes a nasty turn. Cannibalism isn’t a new thing to mankind and has been practiced in one form or another since the dawn of time, be it homicidal cannibalism (killing someone for food) or necro cannibalism (eating someone who is already dead). Many examples of both are long entrenched in folk lore and history.
Cannibalism comes from the Spanish word “canibales” named after the “Carib” people from the West Indies. Cannibalism is also known by its more scientific name as ANTHROPOPHAGY”. The korowai tribe from the Congo region are a tribe known to eat human flesh as cultural practice. These are practices frowned upon with much dismay by western cultures. In more recent times the combatants in sierra Leone also feasted on the corpses of their enemies believing they would gain their foe`s powers. They ate the hearts, ears, testicles and brains of butchered soldiers and civilians, an unfortunate captain bob Mackenzie was ingested by RUF rebels in Sierra Leone in 1995. Further back in the timeline of history, the Maori New Zealand Neanderthals actively practiced cannibalism and may themselves have been eaten by modern man who regarded the Neanderthals as lower animals.
Cannibalism is grouped into two major groups. Endo cannibalism (the eating of humans from the same “community”) one need only think of the Donner party, an unfortunate name as it wasn’t all that great a party. And the argentine rugby players who crashed into the Andes mountains. The second main type of cannibalism is exo cannibalism (eating humans from other communities).
You may now be wondering how zombies factor into the equation? With the basic understanding of bad dietary practices and habits i will now prove the link between cannibalism brought on by necessity for sustenance. The eating of human flesh although a disgusting practice may be all that stands between death and survival for survivors, and the “grossness” will very soon be looked at as just another task we see on programs such as fear factor. Gross but there are rewards; the rewards here are survival as opposed to monetary. We have all become familiar with “mad cow disease” Bovine spongiform encephalopathy. This is found in humans as CREUTZFELD-JAKOB DISEASE” an incurable degenerative neurological disorder contracted by the consumption of “prion” enzymes found in human flesh especially the brain. The brain when exposed to the prion enzymes (a protein) causes holes and makes the brain tissue take on a spongy like texture (think sponge bob square pants). This is known as “TRANSMISSABLE SPONGY ENCEPHALOPATHY”.
The symptoms of infection are as follows.* rapidly progressing dementia leading to memory loss, personality change and hallucinations followed by speech impairment jerky movements, balance and coordination dysfunction. Changes in gait and rigid posture interspersed with seizures. Death usually occurs in victims within a maximum of six months depending of the severity of infection. Infection can be attributed to transmission by contaminated harvested human brain products, immunoglobulins, corneal grafts, dural grafts or electrode implants. Thus indicating that implements used can also be responsible for the transmission. The prion proteins are easily transferred from scalpel or other implement and infect unsuspecting victims. Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease has been known to be hereditary, so we must hope that before the debilitating effects of the disease are fully realised in a potential zombie that they have not procreated (gotten their funky zombie mojo on).
A human growth hormone harvested from the pituitary gland of an infected person can also lead to full blown infection. It is of interest that the American government banned a medication back in the early 80`s that was in a nutshell bad to say the least. Cadaveril HGH was stopped in 1985. The dormant gene may be living in us and just waiting to be “switched on” at the first taste of a “ladies rump” or man sized “sirloin”.
The guides to survival are a dime a dozen and explain in much graphic detail how the survivors will have to stay mobile and repel attacks from slow moving zombies by bashing their heads in with whatever you have at hand or by blowing their heads off with a firearm. These types of preventative and self-defence measures have their obvious pitfalls.
Shooting zombies in the head should only be undertaken at extended distances, this is better described as “sniping”. The matter dislodged by high caliber bullets passing through the skull of a zombie is contaminated and highly resilient (the prion infected matter sprayed on the faces of non-zombies looks super cool and graphic in the movies but is a death sentence to the poor schmuck covered in it). Close or hand to hand encounters should only be undertaken under extreme duress and any matter that lands on the non-zombie must immediately be removed.
It has become accepted practice in the medical world that the only safe methods of killing the prion protein are by burning the affected contaminated article or by disinfecting it with a solution of COPPER-HYDROGEN PEROXIDE. This solution is the only sure fire way of killing the prion protein as it destroys the protein on the molecular level. It would therefore be wise to maintain a healthy stock of the CHP at your disposal to be administered to the zombie via darting (like we see in national geographic). The stronger the dose the quicker the mortality rate will be. Once the zombie has succumbed to the fatal mixture the remains will also be neutralised from infectious prion proteins. This is of importance as no one disposes of the remains of zombies by burial, and the presence of wild animals feasting on the carcasses could exacerbate the situation. Face to face encounters with zombies must be avoided at all costs to avoid accidental cross contamination.
The vivid pictures of people driving around in pick-up trucks going on zombie hunts is fool hardy to say the least. The risks are just too high. A stand-off approach is the only option and if you have to engage a zombie in close quarters it would be advantageous to ensure you are properly clothed (no ragged torn clothes that will allow direct access to your skin) and you should be wearing some manner of mask with protective eye wear. The prion gene is highly contagious and will easily be absorbed through the eye. With all the brain matter strewn about after “whacking” the zombie you will basically be standing squarely in the ” hot zone” . Once your encounter is concluded you will need to discard the clothing you have on and also the equipment used.
The prion protein is easily transferred through the blood and also by transfusion so getting blood all over yourself is a big NO NO! If your weapon of choice were a machete or axe, i recommend you leave it in place and find another unused weapon as your self-defence” side arm”. Even after cleansing the axe, machete or sledge hammer with COPPER-HYDROGEN PEROXIDE there is never the guarantee that every inch of the implement has been thoroughly disinfected. The risk of accidental exposure is extremely high and there is no quick fix if you are accidentally infected. You will be immediately shunned by your group and excommunicated or worse, killed there and then. If an operation is to be mounted in zombie areas it would be wise to learn the “zombie walk”.
This can easily be achieved by closely watching already infected zombies or simply by making sure that you have a copy of Michael Jackson`s Thriller DVD. This is an invaluable source of information on the gait that zombies have. Zombies will not notice those that “fit the profile”; this is a person who zombie walks will blend in as opposed to a person running and screaming. Remember the symptoms i described earlier and you will see that fooling a zombie is entirely possible and within the realm of reality.
The infection rate will be exponential due to the relative ease at which infection can be transferred. The prion protein is a bastard and it is durable. The COPPER-HYDROGEN PEROXIDE option is the only real solution as there is no extreme bloodletting as there is with shooting zombies in the head or bludgeoning them with implements. As i have said this approach is for emergencies only! The stand-off rule should be practiced and darting the zombies with CHP and burning remains in place is the more humane thing to do. Granted, it isn’t as engaging as beating the zombie’s brains in with a club but it is safer. The catch phrase here is “minimise cross contamination”
In conclusion, it is wise to stock up on weapons and ammo to protect yourself from other non-zombies as well as firing on zombies from a stand-off range where you know you won’t have to traverse the area of operations. It is just as easy to slip on a sliver of brain tissue and get yourself cross contaminated accidentally as it is being mauled by a zombie hell bent on “chowing” you. Accidents in this arena are unforgiving.
Refrain from cannibalism as long as possible and only eat healthy individuals if you have no alternative. Refrain from eating the brain matter, any internal organs or areas where sores or wounds occurred. Eat the fleshy parts of the buttocks like the argentine rugby players did. The fore tribe in Papua New Guinea had a very high percentage of women and children suffering from “kuru” the human form of CJD due to being fed the “undesirable” parts of human flesh by the men in the village. The practice was that the men ate the arms, legs etc and left the “offal” and brains to the women and children. The men were less prone to the zombification due to their elevation within the tribe as more superior. The women and children suffered all the ailments associated and the fatality rate was as such that it led to the tribe all but becoming extinct.
Sick or wounded non-zombies must not be consumed to prevent the possible infection, only healthy people should be eaten and only in small quantities to minimise inherent risks. There are currently no known cures for or ways of rehabilitating zombies other than killing them or waiting for them to succumb from their exposure to CJD (Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease).
A little known yet obvious fact is that any virus or bacteria becomes "dormant" if exposed to very cold temperatures so it would be wise to consider moving to colder climes to avoid these pesky zombies. They will find it near impossible to make their way through snow and the Prion gene would "shut down" effectively neutralizing the zombie. So considering a move to either the Arctic, Antarctic or god forbid Northern Canada is advised. Northern Canada should only be considered as an absolute last resort!
Please remember people, cannibalism is a tricky trap ,it is therefore of monumental importance to
BE PICKY BEFORE GETTING YOUR GRAZE ON!
Amazon dot com is currently running a special on Michael Jackson`s thriller. I highly recommend this very insightful DVD be added to your arsenal of “end of the world” post-apocalyptic paraphernalia. Preparedness is a must in today s end times spectrum; don’t be surprised by the rapture and end up left here in times of chaos. Stockpile now! Be prepared for the end, be it a comet, natural disaster, nuclear war or rapture don’t leave everything till when it happens.
Once again STOCKPILE!