Wednesday, October 2, 2013


It is our right to complain about trashy service and products and equally compliment for outstanding service.
The right to do so ensures that service levels remain high and that those who are falling short drag themselves up.
Failure to complain when it is necessary will ensure we remain firmly entrenched in mediocrity.

Herewith follows letters I have sent to offending parties and to those who make efforts to provide excellent service.
I write stories and try fill them with vivid imagery and just enough sarcasm.



For attention: the dude or dudette in charge:

I am sending this “compliplaint” to you. Yes a compliplaint, that is a compliment and complaint all rolled into one.

I believe in complimenting for good service or product but equally I lambaste for dodgy quality or sucky service.

This Saturday I took my son off to Somerset Mall for our weekly reward meal at one of the fast food outlets, ,, yours!!!
Last Saturday was KFC `s turn and oh boy did that go awry.

The Wimpy store in the mall is impeccable and clean, the service was friendly and on time, this is almost unsettling
because we are generally bombarded with crap service from outlets and retailers. The service was fast and efficient
without making me feel like I was being pushed to leave so the table could be turned for the next herd of humans.

Thank you and kudos to the Somerset mall staff for having a clean store and “Johnny on the spot” service.

Let me quickly explain that Kfc was also sent a letter but unlike yours there was no complimentary side to it! I will
attach it at the end of this letter to you.

However, as with everything in the world there is a bad side to the good. The Yang to your Yin so to speak is in your burger

People, they are not nice and no matter how much of your wonderful Wimpy relish you plaster on them helps to detract
from the fact that they taste “cardboard-ish” and super processed fake! Almost like the pink bagged paste squirted
out into round moulds as found at McDonalds. The after taste and repeat is not pleasant.

Now this is not the outlets fault as this is the standard play play patties you use at all your outlets nationwide.

A while back I was residing in Ballito KZN and went to Wimpy Life style centre and their patties also left me with that dead
fake maybe once was a cow long , long time ago before being processed repeatedly after-taste in my mouth. The relish is
truly nice but it does not mask the taste enough nor the plain bland pasty consistency of the patty. Were your patties at any
stage in time actually derived from a cow? I am certain that McDonalds patties were at no time actually part of a real life
pasture grazing cow. Besides I don’t ever recall seeing processed cows flopping around in the pasture , like ever!

Your chips are okay and a country mile better than KFC and those “ things” they serve at McDonalds. Your tomato sauce is
also marginally better than the “stuff” they force on the population over there at KFC & McDonalds. I am quite
convinced that only Zombies truly enjoy their lifeless tomato sauce.

Why cant you guys come to some sort of arrangement with All gold and use their magnificent tomato sauce? Now I do not
suppose myself to be a culinary aficionado but I know the difference between El Cheapo and half decent tasting
tomato sauce!

It is truly unfortunate that you guys still cannot hold a spatula or tongs up in comparison to the patties that Steers and The Spur offer up on their burgers though.

The only pitfalls with The Spur is the overwhelming cost to eat at their establishment and the hordes of ill disciplined kids
who are akin to a brigade from the Serbian army running amok in the place seemingly with the blessing of their parents who
come across as “absentee land lords”. This Al Qaeda training camp facility for kiddies approach makes going to The Spur
painful and unpleasant.

So back to this Saturday 21st September sitting in the booth with my son and eating your cheese burger and chips. The
meal was not entirely horrid, actually it was okay-ish except for the patty! The half liter of relish did help mask the
blandness and processed texture and it was not as fake as the crap that is placed on McDonalds burgers, however I really do
think that there is scope for betterment and overall improvement of your pretend beef patty.

One thing that was genuinely lip smacking was the desert my son ordered, the chocolate snow freeze thing that has a small
chocolate adorning the top of the snow freeze, it was really nice.

Next Saturday we will go out and visit another fast food outlet but we will be “passing over” on KFC & McDonalds. Truth be
told we may just accept that Steers still has the best chips and patties and their prices are reasonable with specials that do not come with T&Cs. Like only on Mondays to Fridays between certain hours. That grates my last nerve terribly and unfortunately that did happen at Wimpy this Saturday.

My son and I had seen a road side bill board advertising your burger, chips and soft drink for a very attractive price and that is why we rocked up at Wimpy this Saturday. Unfortunately we could not see the minuscule T&Cs printed at the bottom of the bill board due to the fact that we were moving at 60 km/h inside the car. So when we got to the outlet I had to spend double of what I originally expected to.

I am currently among the percentage of the population who is unemployed so money is not erupting out of my bank account
like Mount Vesuvius! Every cent is precious and counts, these visits on the weekends are a treat for my son and it smarts
when I have to fork out a hefty amount that I had not anticipated due to the T&Cs which were almost invisible to
the naked eye and only clearly visible if using the Hubble telescope.

That said, what I am aiming at getting to here is that your patties are not all that nice and taste like pretend cow and
smothering them with “lekker” relish is just like dressing a pig in a tuxedo. In the end you still just have a simple pig even
though it is dressed in a tux!

Your Somerset mall store is clean and staff helpful which is a fresh surprise seeing that customer service in general here in
the Cape sucks. The owners and manager at the Somerset Mall store are doing something right.

T&Cs** please note that I am not wanting ANYTHING from Wimpy other than to express my opinions. Please do not phone me and offer me vouchers or the such. I am merely having my say.

Yours wishing for real patties: Mike Da Silva



I am taking this moment to voice my utter unhappiness and disgust with the quality of product and service being dished out at your branches!

I take my son to our local mall every Saturday to treat him to a meal at a different outlet each time.
This past Saturday it was your turn and oh boy was it a let down of gargantuan proportions!

My son was stoked to be going to KFC and could barely wait for his Rounder and chips but that excitement was short lived and disappointing to say the least.
I must just explain that I do not have oodles of money so these treats are a special event.

Firstly the gormless service at the counter was atrocious and akin at attempting to converse with an alien from another galaxy that just landed on planet earth.
Do you guys actually conduct training and client liaison skills with your staff?

The cherry that served me ( I use served very loosely here) was obviously not having a good day, wait check that ,life. She was morose and I feared she may commit suicide at any moment. She had a very bad command of basic English
and while serving me (recall that I use the term serving very loosely) she would break out in Cape Flats gang taal with one of her “brasse” also “serving” (once again loosely used) customers. I could see the ire and chagrin building in the
“tannie” she was not actually serving. She the one serving the lady next to me was so busy regaling to her pal (the aforementioned suicidal one) about the jol last night that the lady she was not actually serving but serving had to repeat

Hell if I want to pay someone to ignore me I may as well deal with my ex wife!

Okay so we survive the initial assault and make our way to the table and proceed to open our parcels. My son asked me to open the tomato sauce sachet and put it on his chips. After eating one chip he painfully looked at me and asked why the tomato sauce tastes so terrible.
Yes, you have possibly the worst tasting “el cheapo” excuse of tomato sauce in our known galaxy!
The chips had an almost floury consistency and were not eaten, my son told me that the chips next door at Steers are much better and I concur with his findings.

The only other place I have eaten something so crappy was at Mcdonalds! Are you in competition with them to see who can make the worst most tasteless floury chips?
The tomato slice on the Rounder was limp and looked like it was cut from a geriatric reheated and then again reheated tomato. It left the Rounder with an awful after taste!
The chicken breast was glassy and wet inside.

My meal did not fare that well either. I ordered the Streetwise 1 with Pap and I fear that I am not all that “street wise” because if I were I would have known better than ordering that death camp cuisine!

The Chicken breast was HORRID! It was also glassy, wet and had more oil on it than the coast line after the Exxon Valdez spewed it’s oil back in 1989.
The pap was okayish but the gravy was tasteless and had the consistency of gruel like found in the Gulag`s of old Mother Russia.

Please tell me why you do not supply sachets of plain salt? You only have chilli salt. I know you will fire back and say that market research has shown that your “target market” like chilli salt, this I know but considering there are many more
people in that grouping it will obviously be a biased research.
Plain old salt is dirt cheap so why can’t you have sachets available for those of us who are not part of your target market or those who may not like or be able to eat chilli products?

The same pertains to your wings, you only make zinger wings why can't you make regular wings like you used to? I
know you are going to come back with the whole market research angle but you do know that not EVERYONE likes chilli?
Now if I want to eat horrible chicken that is glassy, oily, wet and made in seriously dodgy conditions, served by obviously untrained, uncouth and ungroomed staff I could easily saunter off to Hungry Lion.
They however do have regular salt sachets available.

This problem is not only prevalent at your Somerset West, Somerset Mall & Strand branches but everywhere, which leads me to surmise that this bad service, lack of customer training and heart attack chicken is part of your larger insidious and diabolical plot to which I am not privy!

A while ago I was living in Ballito KZN and went into the store to place an order for a toasted sandwich. Quite possibly the most bland toasted chicken something and something sarmie I have ever paid for.

What got my goat up was the spanner on the other side of the counter’s response to a question I posed about a big bold black sign on a reefer visible to customers that reads BLOOD.

Now I know through my super spidey sense of Sherlock Holmes deduction that the reefer in question is where thawed chicken is kept and the frozen chicken is possibly stored in another reefer set to freeze.
I asked the dude serving me why they have to put such a big visible sign that reads BLOOD where customers can see it. The “dom ball” looked quizzically at me and in very broken Zulu/glish said that , “that is where the defrosted chicken
with blood is”. I assured him I was aware of this but tried to
reason that it is not visually appealing for customers to stand there at the counter and have a huge sign visible that says BLOOD.

It is really tacky and unnecessary at best surely a small sign would suffice or surely the staff who sling chicken all day long can see the difference between frozen and haemorrhaging chicken? Surely they can can’t they? I really hope they can.

Add to this the Rasta character that was scratching his dreads under his hair net and I was feeling a tad naar!
I will attach a photo I took from the counter of the sign and please tell me it is okay to have a sign like that in the public eye?

Superfluous to say that I will be avoiding your brand like the plague and I will rather spend my money at fast food outlets like Steers who may not be perfect but they do make far better quality food than you guys are churning out to the
public. This weekend coming We will walk past the KFC and I know that my 10 year old son will tell me how unhappy he was with the meal at your store.
Funnily enough my son was so unhappy with the whole thing that he was the one who asked me to please write to you and ask why your food is so bad.

It has become very clear that in your quest to make big money, you are letting quality slip, not training staff properly and saving money by using the worlds worst tomato sauce. I will not spend another cent at KFC!

Please note that I am not writing this to get anything from you. I don’t want anything from KFC I merely want to make my statement. I do not like being sold inferior products.

Colonel Sanders must be turning in his grave with what his business has become. There is no more Kentucky in the name and I think it should be changed to


Your quality has nose dived in favour of the almighty Buck. Sis on you!
Yours Disgruntled: Mike Michael B da Silva.

COMPLIMENT with a side order of moan.
Good day my name is Mike Da Silva and I would like to take this moment to compliment you for still having the best Burgers and burger patties and chips I have tasted in a long, long time.

I believe in expressing my disappointment at inferior quality and Dodge city products forced upon us by unscrupulous money grabbers pretending to supply fresh honest to goodness food or products.

I have sent my grievances to other fast food outlets and one common denominator is found in all of them. I always compare them to your products.

Let me start at the beginning. I am currently not employed and have a very limited amount of money and was away from Somerset West and my family for a long time.
Now that I am back I take my son out for a weekly treat at a different fast food place.
This is our weekly treat and my son looks forward to it.

We have done the whole Spur , Wimpy, Mc Donald’s, KFC deal.
One thing we agree on is that you dudes have the best burgers and chips by far. Add to that your specials are far better than your opposition. Spur is the only burger place that stands close but their insane cost and chaotic kiddy run amok setting is off

This Saturday I went at long last to your Somerset Mall branch and my son was stoked with the burger and enjoyed the chips. I however did note that the chips were a tad off point so to speak, I surmise that the oil in the fryer is getting a little old and possibly should go on pension and retire. Please note we were customer #28 this morning at around 10h30. I am attaching a picture and you tell me if some of those chips on the periphery of the picture don’t look a little odd. Now I am no aficionado on chips but I spent 4 years in my family supermarket and fast foods and my dad was pedantic about the rotation of our fryer oil. Golden fresh chips or bust! Reputation is far reaching and old oil can affect the brand!

Word of mouth travels far in today’s insane politically correct bio degradable smell the daisies and sing Kumbaya world.

Another little scar in the Somerset mall branch is a seat which has a long tear in it and from cursory inspection it is obvious that it is old and been there for a while, a long while. It detracts from the rest of the clean organised nature of the outlet. Now yes I know you will argue that there is a lot of traffic in the outlet and the couch will show ware and tare but a tear that large just looks crappy!

It is in an upmarket mall, just keep that little knick knack in the back of your mind. Surely the couch could be mended even if only temporarily. It just really looks tatty and gives the impression
that making money is far more important than keeping the store looking sharp.

This brings us to service and here I cannot moan. The lady who served me was friendly, efficient and courteous. This is very important as your cashiers are your front line in the store. You guys have obviously spent more time than your neighbours in the
Mall whose service sucked huge eggs to say the least. It is a nice surprise to be greeted and served by friendly people.

Mc Donald’s should really use your model in this regard. The KFC store next door to you in the mall has the worst service known to mankind.

I will attach my letters I have written to other fast food outlets herewith in the interest of fairness and like I clearly say in those I will say to you..


Thank you for making this Saturdays outing a lekker one despite the off kilter chips which were still a country mile better than other places but I would have preferred to have only complimented you without bringing up the two aforementioned stains so to

Many thanks Mike & Kyle Da Silva..PS* We will be back at Steers next weekend and not subject ourselves to the torture of Plastic dead zombie patties from Mc Donald’s and Wimpy or the environmental catastrophic oil spill that is KFC, I swear I could
audibly hear my arteries hardening when biting into their Exxon Valdez chicken and besides their rounders are a far cry from what they used to be.

For attention the PR department.

I am writing this lament to you pertaining to your “competition” you have running.

My partner recently purchased a product of yours and entered the code as printed and was immediately informed that she had won a prize!

Wahoo, finally a winner considering I have never ever had this fortune. The SMS she received also contained the following details which I shall herewith repeat verbatim. “

Congrats from Beacon. You’ve won! You’ll be contacted in 72 hours to claim your prize!
Ref code 164003. Please contact 0860005342 for any queries you may have.”

My girlfriend waited patiently for a week and Nada, nothing, no reply at all whatsoever. She then phoned the 086 number from the SMS and spoke to male operator who said that there was a back log and that someone would get back to her.

Another week passed and that elusive somebody did not come back, were they abducted by aliens or something?

My problem is that my girlfriend was stoked to have finally won something and it seemed promising but alas that promise has dissipated into a feeling of betrayal. I now have to put up with the fall out of a truly unhappy woman who like a kid that was
promised a holiday and got a trip to the back yard and told that the tent is their “safari”.

What is the deal?Are you running a competition or has it degenerated into chaos?
It has been way, way ,way more than 216+ hours and still we feel abandoned!
The point is not what the “prize” is, the point is that you have CONFIRMED that she was a winner and NOBODY has yet bothered to come back and say “hey here is your two Rand or the presidency to some obscure island kingdom or whatever”. It just
smacks of unfairness.

Please do the honourable thing and confirm when and what she has won.
I beseech you to do so because I am the one dealing with a person who feels betrayed and I too feel that your lack of communication and commitment is tantamount to misleading conduct and advertising. Please prove me wrong so that I can get my
girlfriend back!

You have no idea what it is like to live with her when she is upset and to see her disappointed to the degree she is makes me unhappy too. Please, please for the love of
Midnight Velvet Chocolate contact her!

Yours expectingly: Mike Da Silva
Please call Mandy Van Der Merwe on 0792408195 . I dare you, Make her day!

You are definitely onto something

First off, let me introduce myself. My name is Michael B Da Silva and I currently (once again) live in Somerset West. My life has been a tad transient or shall we say chaotic these past three years. I have moved time and again to and fro between Johannesburg, Somerset West &
Ballito. I have lost count.

One thing that has been clearly evident to me through my whimsical travels is that your brand that is TOPS is , well just that TOPS.
Your stores are well set out and magnificently stocked with an awesome array of liquid beverages with very competitive pricing. Some items may not be as cheap as say Pick n Pay liquor shop or even Checkers liquor shop but your stores just have that air of sophistication that the others lack.

My first real introduction was at the Meyersdal mall tops store and from there on I knew that if I need sustenance of the alcoholic type I was sure to find it in your clean upmarket stores.
Next was a move to the West rand and I lived two blocks from the Blackheath Super Spar which had amazing fresh food and a small yet well appointed TOPS store with great helpful staff.
I then relocated to Somerset West and found the TOPS at the Lions Square Somerset West Main road branch quaint.

The lady who worked there was and to this day is very pleasant. An
asset to the store. My travels took me to Ballito twice and the TOPS at the Life style centre in Ballito was like Aladdin’s cave with a very Indian accent.( You can get your dop and all.)

Life is good even when the bottom is falling out of it. My philosophy in life is stuff happens but that does not mean that I have to be treated poorly and that is why I like purchasing my beverages from TOPS as opposed to other outlets where the gravitas of my crappy existence
seems to be multiplied and precede me out the door. Yes I have taken a beating in this hard road we call life but I still have some dignity and your staff all seem to well trained and very amicable even in GAUTENG! A place known for it’s unfriendliness and uncaring demeanour.
Gauteng is the centre of the rat race however no one seems to have told the dolts that live there that the rats have won. That is why us “refugees” from Gauteng`s rat race search for happiness and foamy beer waterfalls in the Western Cape and Ballito.

It is only now that I am once again back in Somerset West that it has dawned on me that your brand is streets ( check that Autobahns) ahead of the rest both in store layout, service and product promotion. While TOPS is cruising way ahead on the highway your opposition are
still Pudknocking along on the rural back sand roads of branding and service delivery.

The El Cheapo bottle stores flood their racks with the cheapest most Dodge city questionable quality hobo juice to simply turn numbers. You guys are not of that ilk and that is as clear as an erection in a nunnery so to speak.

I shudder when I have to saunter into a Midmar outlet or Blue Bottle. I feel like a “skorrie Morrie” and hell I have not even done anything! Their stores are tragic in comparison and the service is of the zombie kind with shelves that look like they were packed and I use that term
very loosely by disorganised crack addicts. Your stores are upmarket and impeccably clean.

I truly cringe when walking into cold rooms at the aforementioned outlets to fetch a six pack of Hansa and the cockroaches chilling in the corner like “gangsta`s” tell me “ hoezit bra wat se` larney soek jay a dop?” Serious it is like that at one of the Midmar stores here!

Your TOPS at the Lions square has been revamped and moved across the parking lot since I was last here and it is very clean and the service from the lady that has worked there for yonks is outstanding. She always greets with a friendly smile. She is an asset to the store.

I have become quite fond of the imported flavoured Polish Vodka called Stanislav and I really , really dig the fact that a complimentary gift box of 6 miniatures is included in the very reasonable sticker price of R89.95 which has now been marked down to R79.95. DUDES that was a genius marketing move!!!

Okay now before you start thinking that I have some kind of unhealthy dependence on “Jungle Juice” please just note that I do have a 12 step plan to fall back on but till then I plan to simply Keep Walking.

I grabbed one of your complimentary Cheers magazines and firstly I must just say that using the word complimentary was a very clever marketing move indeed. Nothing shouts desperation than having FREE plastered on the cover of a magazine. That is just plain cheap.

Your mag is glossy throughout which shows class and is of a high overall quality. The red Cheers banner on the cover is eye catching as was the chilli atop the shot glass. Well done on a classy product.

Outstanding dudes.
Many thanks. Mike

PS: I do not pass compliments to get anything for free or less desperately complimentary. I believe in dishing out Kudos just as quickly as complaints, however today you guys earned a compliment and I just want to pass that along.
I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU.(other than the excellent standards you have me me accustomed to)

For Attention: Customer care/ Dude or
Dudette in Charge

Good day, my name is Michael B Da Silva and I am just sending you this
quick letter pertaining to a SMS I received from MTN a day ago.

I received a message that you guys are going to merge with MTN SP or
something to that effect and that if any parties had issues with the
proposed merger those parties could voice their concerns and make a

Let me just say that I have been a MTN pre paid subscriber for many
years now and I am a happy camper. Your network is cool and I have
had zero problems with you guys since I was granted “asylum” by Mtn
after a horrid 10 year contract with the spanners at Vodacom!

I believe that your proposed merger will be a huge step in the already correct direction you are currently moving in. Your brand, deals & call costs are among the best in our country so if you want to merge and grow, well hell I am behind you dudes all the way.

I am a happy MTN subscriber and won’t change to any other network!
Your network coverage and signal strength is outstanding and your customer care is among the best I have dealt with in ages. In short you guys ROCK!

So,,,,, now that I have blown tropical sunshine all over you and your brand, cant you guys be so nice as to upgrade my current “semi smart” phone (Nokia 306 Asha) to an iphone or Samsung Galaxy S4?

I too want to be a hip happening technocrat character. It took me flippin ages to go from a dumb ball phone to a semi smart one. Don’t get me wrong, the Nokia 306 Asha is okay but lets face it, no one wants to be a semi smart person, we want to be SMART.

I have managed to accrue a whopping 701 loyalty points on the MTN
network but I could really do with an upgraded phone. Those tools at Vodacom suspended my service and cut my incoming calls in 2007 after I lost my job. I had asked them, begged them to at least allow incoming calls because I was looking for work and needed to at least get incoming calls. I had emailed them my plea and begged the clown in
accounts to not suspend my incoming calls as I was in a pickle. They felt zip and not only cut my line but “sued me “ and blacklisted me for the remaining 4 months of my contract period!

This is when I decided to get my MTN pay as you go sim and managed to get a job two weeks later.

So MTN if you want to merge and grow your brand and market share, I am 100% behind you!!!!

Ag please dudes just help a guy out and upgrade me to an Ass kicking smart phone.

PS* I am once again looking for gainful employment,, what can I say,,,,
my life is an erratic mess.
Yours excitedly anticipating.
Mike Da Silva

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